I don’t even know where to begin. Figures, right? I mean, this is my third blog and I still don’t know what the hell I’m doing. All I know is I have a million thoughts running through my head that I need to get out. I write way better than I talk. And this is going to be my new way of journaling. So why not start by talking about something I know all too well, and that’s starting over and working your way up.
But can we be real for a second? How many times can one possibly start over? And most of all, WHY? Come on! I’m 40 years old, 3 kids in, single, and living in the hood. What hasn’t clicked by now? What am I doing wrong? Why am I not able to move along in life, like so many others, and just be the best version of myself? Well, in the words of my therapist, “Because your traumas have paralyzed you and have you focused on surviving instead of living.” So my question now is, how do I get out of survival mode and into living mode?
Now, I’m a realist and take pride in being able to hold myself accountable for the decisions I’ve made in life. I can honestly say that I don’t see things through. I get awesome ideas, start the processes, but because success doesn’t happen over night, I end up quitting. Yes, I am Quitty Quitterton, from Quittown. I’ve blamed my mental health issues (if you don’t know by now, I have depression, anxiety, and PTSD, which is being questioned by a new therapist but I digress) and used them as a major crutch to account for my lack of discipline and consistency. And although that may be part of the cause, there is also the fact that I CHOSE to.
But I want this time around to be different. That’s why I’ve deleted all my old blog posts and decided on a do over. I was trying too hard to be politically correct instead of my authentic self. I wanted to appear wise and informative instead of the intelligent and enlightened mess that I am. I was hesitant to speak my truth because of the fear of offending others, but I’ve now realized it’s MY truth to speak. Like Katt Williams said, “If you wanted me to speak more highly of you, then perhaps you should have treated me better. You don’t get to narrate MY story of MY experiences with you.” I felt that shit deep within my spirit. And although I won’t be mentioning any names, I’m sure some folks might read my posts and be able to put 2 and 2 together (if they know me personally) and know exactly wtf I’m talking about.
But know this, I ain’t never scared to confront my demons. I do it regularly when I look in the mirror and rebuke them bastards in the name of the Most High. I’ve been through shit that make most people fold. Shit that has a lot of my people out here strung out and unable to cope. It was by the grace of God that I didn’t. All I’ve done is allowed myself to live a mediocre life because I’m stuck in the traumas of my childhood. I’m going to start over as many times as I need to. This time is going to be fun though. So, sit back and enjoy the reads because they’re coming. Until next time loves!!